Richmond forward Jack Riewoldt and Brunswick rapist Adrian Bayley face possible sanctions from the AFL after doing a "Freaky Friday" - the result of thinking simultaneous thoughts about empathy.

"I now have have a better idea of what my father goes through," Riewoldt - a "ripper bloke" - said, thumbing through popular men's periodical Muscles for Dicks, after spending the night being watched on CCTV by less than 1,000,000 people.

AFL CEO Andrew Demetriou says that he used to have a moustache and was now a lot heavier than he used to be so he knows what it is like to get "paid out" by "the people" .

"I used to have a moustache," he said, "and then I was running around loose in the dental industry selling people products they have no real need for, but I'm an honest businessman now. No fat suits."

Adrian Bayley, a fitness fanatic and fastidious student of hair, when asked if being a full forward was different to being a predator around girls, simply shook his head and said, "How is my hair?"

Riewoldt was kept girless by the boys in blue

Riewoldt manages to keep his mouth shut

For his part, the hairdresser in question has reportedly swapped places with a screaming relative (chimp), after thinking the same thing about hurling excrement, and complained of having something in his eye (shampoo) and, speaking through his lawyer (Mr. Cage), shook his head, and said: "I'm bald. Bald! I'm hungry and bald!"

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April 6th 2013 @ 01:44

Posted By: Norm - Category: The Tigers

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ESSENDON ROOKIE STARS IN VICTORY

Essendon recruit Red and Black Caviar has credited seeing his/her third cousin shot in the head and dragged across the bitumen by a tractor for his/her stunning debut last night.

"I didn't want to end up in a variety of cans of a well-respected pet food," the talking horse said.

"With this win I can look forward to retiring to a vacant paddock, or with any luck getting stuffed."

Essendon boss David Evans hosed down questions about the legitimacy of a talking horse playing football, saying: "We have it in writing that she will no longer speak to anyone."

"I don't want to sound like I know what's going on but, some of our players will be running in the spring."

"We will be letting them loose at a property of mine in the country where we will hunt them for sport."

David Evans (rear) and James Hird (bottom) front the media

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March 23rd 2013 @ 00:06

Posted By: Norm - Category: The Bombers, The Cattle

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EXLUSIVE: ESSENDON APPOINTS NEW STRENGTH AND CONDITIONING COACH

Essendon will announce, after a 2012 season of soft-tissue injuries and favourable treatment by the media, the appointment of Richard Simmons as its new strength and conditioning coach.

"Simmons will bring an extra dimension of theatricality to our appeals to the officials for penalties to be paid our way," ballet-student and hair-conscious coach James Hird told the mirror this morning.

But, leading forward and eye-catching diver Michael Hurley is believed to be disappointed with the appointment of Simmons after it was reported that he had pushed strongly for Olympian Greg Louganis.

"Greg Louganis is naturally disappointed to miss out on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to teach ballerinas how to fall to their knees and throw their heads back," Hurley told his hair-stylist last night.

When pressed why they were running with the stupid story, The Orble Team said that we've noticed that you have not created any posts on your Orble domain blog "Footy Power" for the last 55 days.

In another 5 days your blog will be placed on the inactive list to allow other bloggers to assume moderation.

To remove your blog from the inactive list simply create a post on your Orble blog to let us know that you are still interested in keeping it going.

Kind Regards,

The Orble Team.

Simmons shows Norm how to make your mark in Hollywood

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January 29th 2013 @ 02:31

Posted By: Norm - Category: The Bombers

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AFL TO FIELD NEW TEAM IN 2020

The AFL will field a team from India in season 2020 with the announcement that the Madras Vegans will be the first team in history to play without recourse to hurting animals.

“We are delighted,” Sam Kekovich says, “after the Meatloaf fiasco and the Michael Hurley incident, to welcome the taxi-drivers of India to the greatest game in the whole world.”

The Madras Vegans will play a unique brand of football, according to their fitness guru, using a specially cooked-up offal-shaped ball made from lentils and spices - including just a dash of saffron.

“What we’re saying,” Kekovich says, “is that these Indians have got a lot to learn about kicking goals and key performance-indicators; never mind personal hygiene and road rules.”

The AFL is proud to promote the greatest game in the whole wide world to the dangerous and unlicensed drivers of India with the support of the all new and unbreakable Toyota Hilux*.

*brakes not included

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December 1st 2012 @ 06:56

Posted By: Norm - Category: The Cattle

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Super Height Japan Robot Go Number One In Draft Now People Make Worry China Worry People Worry

Clever super funny amazing fun robot design by happy good smart people of Japan company technology going to make historical moment happen when the intelligent design machine go play with brand of funny shape oval ball in backward thinking fart country of empty land racism white Australia!

Anxious Chinese unclean pale arse buttock lazy woman kiss big Japan bottom and wipe manufacturing economic military smile off front of head after make more big automated Japan made intelligent soldier robot that tower above small funny people of slow stupid running peasant soldier of China land!

Strong ten metre tall in height machine called by design technology anxiety businessman Japan National Pride machine robot play brand of animal ball game for no longer than many few month since it is conceived beeping in laboratory incubator and make excellent supreme funny progress now!

Happy Japan people happy smile for robot go to invade AFL with funny ball for the moment then foot hit with dancing feet one million hundred million power torpedo through enemy square and over the head of shouting crazy people waving waving flags screaming go happy mighty Japan robot time!

Stupid wide eye people of China take full wise note and fall to bottom of world globe when Japan super mighty tall to the sky farting machine robot flatten all of people of economy disaster China with bottom crunching foot bombs landing in all people square to make great Japan no more anxious worry buttocks!

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October 5th 2012 @ 02:50

Posted By: Norm - Category: The Hawks, The Power

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Essendon assistant coach identified as woman tennis player

Left-handed skin-crawler and tight-fisted ball-bender Mark Thompson has today had his driver's licence confiscated after it was revealed that he "drives like a woman" and is a traditional serve-and-volley player!

"If there is one thing I know about myself," Mark "Bomber" Thompson told a tight-lipped ticket-inspector, "it's that deep down, I am exactly who I say I am and, if I could, I would show you a picture of me with my name on it!"

The Herald-Sun's alcohol-fuelled reporter and fat-faced manic-depressive meat-head Mark Robinson, distracting the dim-witted inspector, launched into a surreptitious and intoxicating tirade of emotionally charged and scandalous slander directed at bitter rivals Carlton!

"They," he said, gesticulating wildly, "are the consistent targets of my outwardly-projected self-loathing. You see," he continued, predictably, "I have a pathological fear of what I might be capable of in a Navy uniform!"

Former Essendon premiership coach and current hydrogen-and-oxygen-thief Kevin Sheedy "always knew there was something funny about that strange man who, to this day, won't take a shower with me and the boys," or so he says.

Thompson in late September 1993

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October 3rd 2012 @ 03:14

Posted By: Norm - Category: The Blues, The Bombers, Grand Final, 1993, MCG

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Tony Abbott Endorses Alastair Clarkson For The Frontbench

Opposition leader Tony Abbott says Hawthorn’s Alastair Clarkson has what it takes to be part of Australia’s next government, naming him Shadow Minister for Women and Plastering.

“Having had Alastair do some repair work on my ex-girlfriend’s face,” Mr Abbott explained, “I am officially endorsing him as the man to demolish a non-load-bearing wall in the house.”

“Having spoken with Tony today on the telephone,” Mr Clarkson said, “I am certain that the prosecution’s case is not going to stand up if the victims are unable to speak.”

“Having spoken with both Alastair and Tony yesterday,” a pile of bricks said, “I am not speaking again to the police or the media about the alleged incidents of violence that occurred.”

Opposition leader Tony Abbott said he couldn’t remember talking to the wall yesterday, but now claims that he couldn’t because he didn’t - leaving nobody in doubt.

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September 28th 2012 @ 00:25

Posted By: Norm - Category: The Hawks, The Rulers

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Gerard Healy's 'Hamlet' voted top in Foxtel poll

Remember me?

Former Brownlow medallist and downhill-skier Gerard Healy's chilling portrayal of Hamlet has been voted the best by those who subscribe to Foxtel.

Director Geoffrey Edelsten applauded those who subscribe to Foxtel for their manual dexterity and prompted Healy to see a specialist at The National Hair Institute.

Hair loss, thinning or balding is not uncommon. Many people face this matter and there is no reason for concern.

The good news is there are things you can do. In fact about half of the men who see their GP report ideal outcomes within the first month of treatment.

Edelsten's treatment of Hamlet has him caught between playing for peanuts for the Melbourne Demons or making a killing playing for the Sydney Swans.

In the thrilling finish, Healy - motivated by the unadulterated treachery and hirsute ethnicity of Ronald Dale Barassi - does the right thing by himself.

"I contemplated opening up a dialogue with Mrs. Football (Barassi)," Healy said, thinking out loud, "but then I saw what she was doing to my uncle. "

"And, anyway," he carried on, sinking deeper into his leather armchair, "joining Warwick (Capper) up there was like dying and going to heaven."

Alas, poor Warwick.

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October 8th 2011 @ 03:06

Posted By: Norm - Category: The Demons, The Swans, The Pundits, Foxtel

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I may have been slipped drugs, Nixon says

AFL player manager Ricky Nixon says he doesn't know how he came to be dressed in his underwear, but he may have been drugged.

On one such trip, American protesters disrupted and assaulted Nixon's motorcade, pelting his limousine with rocks, shattering and injuring Venezuela's foreign minister.

Speaking to the Nine Network's AFL Footy Show last night, Nixon answered how he came to appear in a damning video of him in his underwear.

"I was going to clean my room," Nixon said.

When asked by the Seven Network to explain why he had been in a hotel room, Nixon refused to elaborate before abruptly hanging up his underwear.

He consulted with longtime friend the Reverend Billy Graham, who urged him to run.

"If anyone invites you, or entraps you, to come to a hotel room to show the world that you have had sex with them, and they have got a video camera running that shows you on the bed dancing around in your underpants, surely there must be some footage of me," Nixon said.

The 61-minute movie is intended to be humorous, with highly tongue-in-cheek dialogue and songs; fireworks going off and bells ringing.

St. Kilda's Justin Koschitzke is standing by his agent, saying that he can get through it, but denied he had slipped in anything.

The drug gamma hydroxybutyrate, also known as GBH or liquid E, can be slipped into people's drinks and can cause short-term memory loss.

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June 10th 2011 @ 00:46

Posted By: Norm - Category: The Saints, Channel Nine, Channel Ten, Channel Seven

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Tony Abbott Wins!

Brown And Abbott Join Faces

Tony Abbott has revived memories of Ginger Rogers with a stunning performance that saw him take out the top prize in Australia's Dancing With The Stars.

Tony Abbott, as liberal as he is conservative, cited leading man Bob Brown as the reason behind his sudden move towards the left, as they swept all before them.

"Bob reminds me of a young Fred Astaire," Abbott said over his shoulder as they danced the night away. "He keeps trying to feel me out."

Green Senator Bob Brown, as straight as he is gay, reminded Judge Todd McKierney of a young Gore Vidal in comments he made in sentencing.

"You remind me of Gore Vidal," McKierney said, handing down his verdict. "For God's sake, it's almost like you were born to be as boring as hell."

Tony Abbott, citing Dante's Purgatory and Vidal's performance in Gattaca, successfully appealed the ruling before a panel presided over by Judge Kyle Sandilands.