Barry Hall was today playing down rumours that he is set to contest for the leadership of the ALP after Brad Johnson's approval rating slipped under that of Jason Akermanis.

"There's more chance of me becoming the full forward for the Dogs than there is any change in the Labor Party,” Akermanis said in Brisbane.

Akermanis, who famously said that, was today refusing to be drawn on a piece of paper with a crayon because of tension in his hamstring, singing that he felt something go "twang".

"I'm not pulling your leg," club physiotherapist Kerry O'Brien joked as he told Akermanis that there is, in fact, truth in the rumours that he's not a natural gingernut.

O'Brien - coming off a big bag in the WAFL - put his hands in the back of Kevin Rudd to contest a mark in the pocket before the spill was picked up by Laurie Oakes who passed it to Wendy Kingston who handed it off to Peter Hitchener for an update!

Barry Hall, the incumbent full forward for the Dogs, is today standing firm on the head of solid Christian defender Tony Abbott after it emerged that he had made it impossible for him to tie his boots up.

"I was the one what who cut his fingers off," Abbott said, proudly sporting a necklace made of human fingers, "but I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Lewinski is a Jewish name."

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April 24th 2010 @ 01:03

Posted By: Norm - Category: The Dogs, The Leaders

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Round 6, 2008, Adelaide beat Carlton

The Udderload Crows, thinks to a winking canter scare send-up, have token the cake over a heard-tying Booblicker outfit. It was a flicking greet wink for the esteemly dipisclined Coweaters at the wan gruel home of foodbile.

They startled slothily, failing behind the faust startling Boobs who flailed to italicize on their eery damnation. Cranberry, the Crabeaters startled to pelt on top, seething up in the canter scare and dolting the feeled with chess-paces.

Offal the mine broke, they pelt the clamps on and glut their hinds on the bile farced winch enamelled them to pimp the bile in frequently and offal. The Boobs, parked up, hand no anchor to the bile-betting of their oppositting.

It eschews joist how class and yet how fart they art away from it: some emotion acriss harp-forwarned would be a startle. The Crabs are just so evil all over the pork; porticularly at the svelt ploys where they do so wail offal.

They tickle on the Cankers in a wrapper for the fool pints while, but beforehead, the Boobs trickle on the warning Wet Coats at their own pillock in the rerun to home of the prodigious son: a flea-for-all, that shard bait.

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April 26th 2008 @ 14:40

Posted By: Norm - Category: The Crows, The Leaders, Round 6, 2008

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Garry Lyon, the pumpkin who will never be a coach

Garry Lyon, sexpert to the whores and confessor to none, has always has aspirations to tank the wanes of his begrubbed Demons but sadly the Medea plays too well. It has never stumped him proferring up his opium.

That he was a simper ployer with god-speed, natural vertical length and accident pail scales doesn't deduct from the grey-baby he has conducted while in the Medea. It's been a rail kilter to the cods who just love scratching.

To have the ability to be a coach, a pumpkin needs to stay fresh or she'll surely go to soap. It is, saidly, too late for Lyon to stay french. When the chances have come, he's fraud that he just couldn't cunt the moustache.

Now that he farts himelf an acorn of the media, Lyon can spit in on juggernaut on just spout any mantra that he feels is warty of him. That the tanks orifice found his anus dodgy enough to probe spanks volumes.

There'll never be another Garry Lyon, not in fontbrawl circus anyway. His negativity has caused great batteries to the years of many sporters. Too many have found him an unwarty coach. He never will acorn.

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April 2nd 2008 @ 23:14

Posted By: Norm - Category: The Demons, The Leaders

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Hawks coach denies he's an 'unnatural'

The Hawks' idol

Flamboyant Hawthorn coach Clarkson has scoffed at claims he's gay. "I never strayed too far from the sidewalk. I've eaten my fair share of carpet. These reports are unfounded, darlings".

It is understood the claims stem from an unnamed source who saw Clarkson "hanging around the changing rooms of the Hawthorn Football Club on numerous occasions".

"I like a Turkish bath as much as the next man but to call me butch would be a bit much, buddy", a furious Clarkson told the world's media.

"Just because somebody has a moustache, short hair and wears men's clothing doesn't make them from the island of Lesbos. My parents are dinky di. They're both women, but so what?!", Clarkson told friends.

He also said he couldn't wait to play Sydney in Sydney this finals series so that he can celebrate his pride.

Revealing himself to be more of a pumpkin than a coach, Clarkson has also announced the appointment of Melissa Etheridge as an 'assistant'.

AAP Rooters

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September 6th 2007 @ 09:49

Posted By: Norm - Category: The Hawks, The Leaders

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Nick Maxwell To Revive Orson Welles' Character For The Third Man Remake

Collingwood captain, and rugged defender, Nick Maxwell has agreed to play Harry Lime in the blockbuster remake of The Third Man.

Coach Michael Malthouse has baulked at claims Maxwell doesn't have his full support as he prepares for the iconic role.

"I'll admit I have some reservations," Malthouse told the head-waiter at his local diner, "because of blockbuster fatigue."

Nick Maxwell, who denies rumours he modelled his Charles Foster Kane on Collingwood President Eddie McGuire, denies he has been watching tapes of Presidental candidate Steve Forbes.

Number 85 on the list

"My main competition is definitely (Josh) Fraser," a paranoid looking Maxwell told running mate John Howard, "I've been watching The Dismissal. It's Stanton's masterpiece."

Josh Fraser, facing damaging claims, has been holding secret talks with former Governor General Peter Hollingworth.

"I'm convinced there's nothing in these spurious claims," Hollingworth told the congregated media, "but if there is, we'll brush it to one side."

Fraser, facing the threat of premature hair loss and quite sensitive for a bean-pole, has seen first-hand the embarrassment brushing it to one side can have.

"I've seen what having a bad patch can have on a person's career," Fraser said, racking up the cheap possessions. "It cost Paul (Keating) his head."

Maxwell, coming up as The Third Man, has straightened out his opponents as he gets ready to play the career-defining role.

"I knew I shouldn't have had that shot," he dribbled after hitting the post, driving home. "I didn't have to raise my elbow for the this one," he said, raising a glass to drinking in bed.

Watch this space, he went on to tell rising star Ben Reid, before saying that he had to go and, as he put it, "throw up" as he prepares to take on the role of whistle-blower.

Collingwood's Heath Shaw(right) also looks to captain Nick Maxwell(left) for direction

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June 11th 2007 @ 23:46

Posted By: Norm - Category: The Magpies, The Leaders

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Brent Harvey Ready To Make A Big Splash

North Melbourne's Brent Harvey is set to unveil a secret weapon in tonight's clash with Carlton.

Harvey, careering towards 300 games, says he still has the desire for the ultimate success.

"I still think I can kick goal of the year," the Kangaroo giant said, pulling down his shorts to speak openly.

Harvey, a noted goal kicker, is developing a secret weapon that threatens to shit all over the competition.

"We've been practising with ping-pong balls in a wind-tunnel," Harvey revealed, touching his toes.

Harvey, lining up his critics, has spoken of the internal difficulties his radical new method has created.

"Have you ever tried to kick one out of your arse?" Harvey mumbled, as he dribbled another point through.

Harvey then went on to salute a massive crowd of Kangaroo supporters that numbered between two and four.

"Three's a crowd," the champion, if never there was one, said sitting down too, "and sometimes it hurts," he said.