Hamstrung ham, Nathan "The Tweaking Strings" Buckley has tested out his range in rehearsals for Hamlet: the woodsman cometh: a football dance spectacular to be aired on Channel Nine every night for a year in 5 hour installments.

Said disgruntled rival Mel Gibson, "For such a show

he's going to need to hit the sauce pretty often. I don't think he's capable, really. He must be a fucking kike or something. They killed Jesus you know."

It's a rare admission from a detested rival that Bucks has got the bottle to match it with the world's breasts. Bucks has been itching to get his teeth sunk into a bigger scratch since War and Peace: the ice musical ran aground off the coast some two years ago.

"Alas poor Mel" said Bucks, obviously still in character, "I knew him. Well, not really. I met him at this A-list do. He was maggotted." he went on. "I think he's Jewish" he said, before launching into a 45 minute soliloquoy before a media pack.

Channel Nine 'heavyweight' and failed political aspirant Eddie "The Barking-mad Scottish Cunt" McGuire has welcomed Buckley to the mates-club-fray but according to him, "Just so long as he doesn't start taking me for Claudius. I only slept with his mum once, alright. I've got the tapes to prove it."

FRA gives Hamlet: the woodsman cometh: a football dance spectacular for Christians:

ONE GAS MASK