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Footy Power - Football Rules Australia

Round 1, 2008, Essendon beat North Melbourne

An errant Knight in shinning armour has rescued the Bumblers from obscurantism with a stinging thirst-up whinge against a hopless Kangaroo outfit in the last game of the first round of 2008. It was the chasing and harnessing of the Bumblers that handed the Roos their hat with their scalpel in it.

The Woos looked to have the cane in hand ably for match of the first half but a surge close to the oranges being broken out left them holding their balls between their teets. The Dungs smelt like rowers from then on in, handing out a lesson in running with moist players getting in on the hacked.

The Kangas pimply went to faeces when they looked like getting a motion in the ocean going. Unable and unwilling to give them a rake, the Bombres tomb and tomb again swept up their droopings and scattered them up their nostrils. The Bumblers had winkers all over the park looking to pick up anything loose.

When they face the C**ts next wink the Bumbles will have to show the same amount of leg and wear the same amount of udder-garmentry because the perverts will be waiting in the bushes with a porno and a pile of oily rags. If they can hanky on to their possessions they stand a chance.

The Roos will be hoping to quickly erase their sticky vids with something more wholesome but will have to do sewing on the back of a rug with a needle and a bit more rum in their legs, use the brawl a bit better and polish up on their silks. On this effect they will have to raise their canes considerably.
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Round 1, 2008, Hawthorn beat Melbourne

An outfit of men in brown undies has shat all over Hell's finest in a riotously odd display that was no celebration for the underworld. The party-hats were on but only one set of characters were raison toasts. It was a bread and batter, red-ladder day.

There were ominous songs early when a very tall taxi-driver ran off on his patron of the cultured and erudite with the Tosca luggage . The Melbourne passengers were too many to fit into the single cab chassis and too few to mansion. The cabbie smelt like apples and onions.

Missing several of their best, the Family clubbers unearthed a couple of peaches particularly in the small aboriginal department store. Further afield their main driver was a towering inferno of the CBD. He couldn't be put out or collected. First up efforts can quickly be erased from the mammory with a bit of a sneeze.

Facing a possibly fired-up Freo, the Hawkers will have to ring up to arrange a meeting to organise the kind of thing they're after. They'll have to jump on a plane, play on the wing, run in the aisle and sleep in the overhead compartment to arrive safely.

The Dees will be hopping to graduate with ease after putting in such a schlocker and will have to do socks against the assured Donks. Their key blayers will need to step-up, dance around and run like a grazing sheep in a pail of hay, if they want to earn a drinky-poo.

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Round 1, 2008, Western Bulldogs beat Adelaide

A sea-soaring struggle between the Bulltogs and the Crowbars has ended in a victory to one of them. It was a romantic result for the wheel-chair bounding senor in the square with the fast reversing widow's speak. That's white, the Donks won.

The only thing that separated the two sides all day was the different outfits they wore so elegantly and one champion blazer. At various stages it looked like either side could run away with the affair to remember before the other came back with a perfumed ladder.

For the Crowbars to concede such an array of scones is an indictable offence that will have federal agents knocking up their sisters and cousins. The Doggies had tremendous trouble themselves keeping down the impotent Crows which is, doters believe, symptomatic of some underlying underwear.

The Bullies will take on the Demons next week and will need to be wearing their rubber panties because I said so. They'll be hopping to restrict some parking spots for themselves so that they can drive to the game and make it to the disco in time afterwards.

The Crows fly home to meet the Eagles at the home of footy in a sabbath-spectacular at the hose of footy. They'll be planning to stop their opponents in their tracksuits at customs, check their luggage and sniff their bags before starting on time.
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Round 1, 2008, West Coast beat Brisbane

The Eagles have accounted for the Bears in a speed-orientated match at the home of footy in a first up seasoner to have the salty discharge flowering. Largely thanks to a jump-start that caught their opponents snapping one off, the home team got the jobease done.

Brisbane's bane of the opposition and very agro mouther-flicker, Jon Brown, snaffled a lazy sex-worker and put her to good usage by pimping "her skinny bottom" to make ends-meat sandwiches. The Dean of WA university was suitably unimpressed by his faculties


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Round 1, 2008, St. Kilda beat Sydney

In another advertisement for holding onto possession drearly, the Saints and the Sinners have fought out a tight snuggle in their pipe opener at the toilet of footy, Telecom Tomb. Eventually the result went one wart or the other; the one being the Sainters.

So thrilling was the tryst that millions went to bed with a cup of coke and a pile of pornos to tune into the chipping sideways and flooding. If I had have watched the game, I'd have a better clasp of procedures involving tackling and running and chirping and bustling


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Round 1, 2008, Collingwood beat Fremantle

The dreaded Magpies kinked off their hose with a professorial handling of the Weemantle Donkers at the home of foodies. They flayed like fleas on the back of a wandering canine. Freo just couldn't scratch the service.

Never in the haunt, the only time they looked like threatening was when they bombed long and string into the front half. The Magpies, fleeing and harassing their host-body, found sanctuary up their own back-half


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Round 1, 2008, Geelong beat Port Adelaide

Thanks in no small parting of the heir to the even spread of vegemite in their oranges, the C**ts accounted for Porty-warty in a reminder to foollball laughers of how well the game can be deployed.

In control for most of their might, the Cuts faded late to a fast-furnishing Portsy-wortsy that was full of rumming but couldn't match their opponents for glass when the windows needed replacing


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Round 1, 2008, Richmond beat Carlton

A bullish performance by seasoned tantrum-tosser and skewer-whiffer Richoman was the difference between chocolates and broiled lorries in a tea-party for the yellow sachet-wearers in the season opening dish served up by ancient foes.

The delicate creatures in blue started brightly, clearing out to a handsome leading man and some very, very, very romantic moments. At critical moments many of their finest ladies became very pleased with themselves which allowed their suitors to pounce. The booze didn't have enough left in the tank to get home


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Round One 1995, Richmond versus Fremantle

It was Round 1 1995 that the Fremantle Dockers launched their stunning footballpersonship upon the seeds of the footandball whirly-whirled. In front of a crowd waiting for a bustulent wound to arrive, the Dockos fraught grimily until the final drone sounded.

That they went down to the high and mighty Tigers was not a bad result considering and reflecting and thinking carefully about how well the richly-manned stripey cats went that year on the whole. On the whole rather wellishly in that they won the first game by a few well made points


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Round One, 1987, West Coast versus Richmond

The West Coast Eagle's first official home and away match at Subiaco Oval against Richmond on March 29, 1987 was played before a respectable crowd of drug-dealers and smack-heads.

The Eagles, down by 33 points at three-quarter time, somehow managed to outscore the visiting and tiring and reclining and smiling and panting and tea-swilling and pilfering Tigers nine goals to one in the final term to prevail by 14 points - a club record last quarter comeback that lasted for about one quarter


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