Carlton, Senior Listed Player, 2009, Marc Murphy
Marc Murphy, brought into this world through a gaping wound, has, since before anyone can remember, been deceiving people into believing he is not at all interested in breaking in and raping the elderly woman who reminds him of his mother.
The Hair: the strangest thing. Fine strands. Thousands of them. It's unnatural to cut them. Cut them anyway. A life of guilt. Uniform length. Carry the character. Bald people are boring. Hairy enough to be interesting. Stuck in a slut. Slapped it around.
The Teeth: happy with his lot. Never put a foot wrong. Eats through your leg just to eat your leg. Shits the lot out. Cries bloody murder. Wanks with a limp. Piles on the pressure. Broke one off. Favours the other side. Turns the nose up at the indignant.
The Skin: ruddy cheeks. Lousey complexion. Brand with hot pants. Ship overseas. Treat to a slashed tendon. Skate around on a bloody floor. Lose the footing. Give up. Resign to a slow demise. The blood just seeps out. Remember the time. Guilty as skin.
Fyodor Dostoyevsky says: "Often as not I'll be on the street and I'll see some trousers and I'll think to myself. Thinking to yourself is so very under-rated. I think I wish I had been born with a vagina. The ultimate in bottomless pockets. Nevermind, I always have these nipples. God, give me a vagina! He gave us nipples."
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power