Carlton, Senior Listed Player, 2009, Kade Simpson
Kade Simpson, the impression of intelligence, has the look of a woman on the move, which is lucky for him because that's what everyone is looking for. The look hides intelligence in every flap and fold of a killer's disregard for inhuman life. Yes, siree, Bob.
The Hair: short and frizzy. Mental. Lacks bounce. Carries the pill. Gets caught. Pleads for clemency. Are you kidding me? Thought not. Racks up cheap posessions. Carries ovaries in a bulbous sack. Drops the contents. Now and then. Cramps up. Not to worry.
The Teeth: this is where it gets interesting. Bores your pants off. Eats through nylon rope. Carries disease. Makes you uncomfortable. Slaughter the lot. Cut the legs off with an electric saw. Gut first. Kill first. If that fails, shut your arse. Hope for the beast. As you were.
The Skin: hairy. More of a donkey. Fancies himself. Opens his mouth. Remove doubt. Flaps keep the tender bits tender. Off with the flap. Tightens up around the anus. Jimmy the lock. That's the ticket. Have you got a concession card? That'll be $100, thanks. Beauty.
Charles Baudelaire says: "It's generally frowned upon to have your face fall off your head. I've never understood why it is that men of my understanding are sat in front of a camera and told, told mind you, to say 'Fromage'. It's no wonder I always look so miserable. I hate bloody dairy."
