Carlton, Senior Listed Player, 2009, Jake Edwards
Jake Edwards, the sort of cocked-back head you wouldn't mind knocking into next week, is an illiterate meat-head. For this, you'd consider sitting down over a steak with him so that you could teach him the meaning of the word pain, as in the OED.
The Hair: unless you like flossing while masticating, it's best if you remove the hair from this meaty meat-head's chinny-chin-chin. If you do like doing the former while doing the latter, then you can just broil or roast the thing, until your cheeks fall.
The Teeth: when this meat-head bites into your arm, because you looked at him sideways, you'll know the true meaning of the word ouch. He might contend that the meat on your humerus was just cause, but you'll gouge his arse out, digitally.
The Skin: you could try drying it out over the course of several meals, and then making shoes from it or you could stretch it over a cylinder and make beautiful music. If you decide to do neither, just make sure you don't get caught in your fly. That absolutely kills!
Stefan Edberg says: "I really don't know why my forehead is so shit. I mean who ever heard of someone with a better backhand than their forehead. I'll tell you who has a shit forehead. That ball-girl I abducted, raped, sodomised but returned safely."
